


Talk Me Down

by stella_polaris



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Free! Eternal Summer, Friendship/Love, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-20
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-25 15:53:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7538764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stella_polaris/pseuds/stella_polaris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rin has been having issues with nightmares since he was a child. When it gets particularly bad, Haru is there to support him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Talk Me Down

**Author's Note:**

> Maybe you've seen a post float around on Tumblr where someone's talking about a friend who has issues with nightmares and that friend always texts them in the middle of the night because the friend thinks they have trouble sleeping as well. But they don't, in fact, they keep their phone loud to wake up for the friend. This fic was inspired by that post :)
> 
> I also highly suggest you listen to the song TALK ME DOWN by Troye Sivan which is where the title comes from.

Rin knows it’s useless. Haru never pays attention to his phone, so why should he now? Plus, it’s 3AM. He’s probably fast asleep right now. As asleep as Rin should be if it weren’t for the nightmares and the following insomnia. He turns around in his bed restlessly. By now he should be used to getting less sleep than the average person. But in this moment he’s exhausted. Mentally. Physically. And he wants to talk to someone, just have someone listen. So he takes out his phone, despite knowing how stupid it is, and sends a text to Haru.

_-Have you ever woken up more tired than when you went to sleep?_

Rin never expects an answer. This is Haru, the guy who probably just owns a phone because Makoto bothered him long enough until he got one. So when Rin’s phone vibrates a few minutes later he’s so startled that he nearly drops it right on top of his face. Graceful. He opens the message and reads.

_-Not really. Why are you awake?_

Rin is confused. He knows why he’s awake but the question is, why is Haru?

_-Shitty thoughts. Bad dreams._

is all he texts back in the end. He knows that Haru wants an answer or he wouldn’t have asked but Rin doesn’t want to bother him too much. Maybe he should have thought of that before he sent that first text.

_-Do you want to talk about it?_

_-No. Go back to sleep. Sorry for bothering you at this time._

_-You’re not bothering me. I was awake anyway._

_-Good night, Haru. Thanks for answering._

_-I didn’t even do anything. Good night, Rin. I hope you can sleep now._

Rin sighs quietly and puts his phone down on the nightstand. What the hell? He has half a mind to brood over Haru being as awake as he is in the middle of the night but in the end exhaustion wins over and he falls asleep, dreamless this time.

*

The nightmares have been with Rin as long as he can remember. When he was a little child he dreamt of the cliché monsters under his bed and the nightly terror could be stopped by his mother checking for these monsters together with him.

As he got older the nightmares changed. Nowadays he dreams of being a failure in every possible aspect, of the people he cares about abandoning and rejecting him or of dying. The worst dreams are the ones where he drowns. When he thinks about it while awake it doesn’t make sense at all. Rin loves water, it never has and never will scare him. But in these dreams he’s terrified. It always feels so real, not being able to breathe. Rin’s father also loved the water and he drowned in the sea. So there’s that.

Sometimes Rin even knows that he’s only dreaming, yet he cannot bring his mind to wake up. It’s what true helplessness feels like. He wakes up exhausted more often than not. He’s used to it by now, to functioning on about four or five hours of sleep. But he barely remembers what being truly rested feels like.

*

Rin sees Haru again a few days later at Samezuka’s and Iwatobi’s joint practice. They haven’t heard from each other after the late night texting incident and Rin isn’t sure if that’s a good or a bad thing. Has he weirded out his friend? Is it even possible to weird Haru out, considering he’s a pretty weird guy himself? Neither of them seems intent on talking about that night, with Haru acting as distant as always.

The practice session goes fairly well, everyone’s in good spirits that day. Even Haru cannot help but smile at Nagisa’s and Momo’s antics at some point. Rin isn’t sure if he’s watching Haru more closely than usually… even if he does, no harm done, right?

It’s these joyful moments, besides competitions of course, when Rin knows why he wants to be a professional swimmer. When he realizes how stupid it was of him to quit a few years back. This is his motivation. He wants to do it, not just to reach his own dream, but also for his friends. For the team. Rin knows being good is just part of the deal. Without the right people who have your back, you’re nothing.

*

Haru hangs back after practice while Makoto, Nagisa and Rei are already off to the locker rooms. He’s sitting at the edge of the pool, feet still dangling in the water, as Rin finishes his last lap.

“Rin.”

Rin looks at the other swimmer as he gets out of the pool. He takes off the goggles and the swimming cap and sits down next to Haru, leaning back on his hands and closing his eyes briefly. “That was a good one, right?” Rin says, flashing Haru a grin, “We were all in pretty good shape today. Rei even got a new personal best!”

“That’s not what I wanted to talk about,” Haru replies quietly, fixing Rin with an even gaze.

“Eh?” is all Rin can come up with in return. _Great Rin, well done. That was very eloquent_ , he thinks to himself.

“You can always text me again. Or call,” Haru elaborates, “Even when it’s 3AM. I’ll be awake.”

“I… thanks…” Rin stammers, running his hand through his still dripping hair. Why? he wants to ask. But he’s too perplexed, so he doesn’t. He probably wouldn’t get a straight answer out of Haru anyway. Instead he just continues staring at Haru, half expecting him to change his mind or something.

Haru nods. “Good. I just wanted to make sure you knew that.” And with that he gets up and turns around to leave. “See you, Rin,” he calls over his shoulder, leaving a very confused Rin behind at the pool.

The hell was that? Why is Haru such an enigma, Rin wonders. Sometimes he’d really die to know what’s going on behind those pretty blue eyes of his. But does he really want to know? Rin’s not sure. He’s also not sure why it makes him so happy that it’s Haru who seems to care about him so much. Because Haru wouldn’t go out of his way just for anyone, he’s too stubborn and too fixated on his own routines for that. Can Rin dare to hope there’s even more behind it…?

He suddenly feels like a stupid teenager with an even more stupid crush. _Newsflash, Rin. You are a teenager._ But not a teenager with a crush. And certainly not a crush on one of his best friends. Right? Rin groans and flops down on his back. This isn’t good, he ponders while he looks at the ceiling. He almost wishes he’d be alone with his problems again. Almost.

*

It’s a random Thursday night when Rin’s ‘favourite’ nightmare makes a reappearance. The one where he’s drowning in their childhood’s swimming pool. He’s still a kid in this dream, 11 or maybe 12 years old. Haru is there. So are Makoto and Nagisa.

The water seems to pull Rin under while his friends have no trouble swimming normally. No matter how much Rin tries, he can’t seem to keep his head overwater. He cries out for help every time he resurfaces, trying his hardest to fight against the pull.

At first he thinks his friends can’t see or hear him. But then it’s Haru who looks at him with an expression so cold that Rin shudders. “Why would we want to help you?” Dream-Haru says, “We don’t need you, you’re worthless.”

“The world is better off without you,” Dream-Makoto adds while Dream-Nagisa next to him nods enthusiastically.

And just like that, Rin gives up. The venom in his friends’ words make his entire body go numb and he stops struggling, lets the water pull him under. He faintly notices how he cannot breathe anymore, how he starts feeling lightheaded. Just as his body draws in the first gush of water and it fills his lungs – Rin wakes up.

It takes a few moments before Rin remembers that he’s safe and in his bed in the dorm. He was already crying when he woke up and now he’s trying his hardest not to sob loudly, lest Sousuke who’s sleeping in the upper bunk wakes up.

Rin forces himself to take deep breaths but it won’t work. He’s choking on suppressed sobs and he cannot will his body and mind to calm down. He knows he’s shaking and for some reason everything seems to hurt. Rationally, Rin knows he’s experiencing a panic attack. But rationality is so far gone right now that he’s honestly scared he’s about to die.

Rin throws the covers off himself and gets up on shaky legs. As quietly as he can manage he heads to the bathroom, grabbing his phone from the nightstand on impulse. He softly closes the door behind himself and sits down on the cold tiled floor. He draws his knees up to his chest and hides his face in his arms. He refuses to move, refuses to think.

Rin doesn’t know whether it takes a few minutes or close to an hour until his brain can formulate something close to clear thoughts again and his heart doesn’t feel like it’s about to shatter his ribcage anymore. While nightmares are nothing new for him, this one was a whole new level of bad. It felt so real. It didn’t matter that he knows none of his friends would react like that… while he was asleep he was 100% sure that’s what they thought about him. Even know in this state, his sleep-addled brain keeps insisting there’s some truth to it.

Without really thinking Rin picks up his phone from the floor where it had fallen out of his grasp with a soft thud earlier. He pulls up a conversation and starts typing.

_-Do you think I’m worthless?_

He realizes the stupidity of it after he presses ‘Send’. What kind of question is that even? Even if someone thought another person was worthless, it would be rude to admit it. Pity would make them lie.

_-Are you okay?_

however, is Haru’s reply. Rin automatically wants to text back ‘Yeah, don’t worry’ but then he remembers Haru’s words at the pool. He’s lacking the strength to lie to his friend in this very moment.

- _No._

Rin’s phone starts vibrating with an incoming call only seconds later. “Haru?”

“Rin? What’s going on?” Haru’s voice is calm but Rin can feel the urgency behind it, he’s scared his friend and for that he feels bad now.

“Bad nightmare,” Rin answers quietly, his voice is kind of hoarse and he knows Haru can tell he’s been crying, “And… I think I… I just had a panic attack.”

He can hear Haru sigh softly at the other end of the line. “You’re not worthless,” he says and he sounds like he means it, “Far from it even. You’re one of the most amazing people I know and I wish you could see it yourself.”

Rin is speechless. _Make me see it then_ , he wants to say but that’s too much. He’s already gotten so much from Haru, he cannot ask for even more.

“Rin? Are you still there?” Haru asks after a while.

“Yeah…” Rin takes a deep breath. “Thank you.”

“I haven’t done much…”

“Haru? Can you distract me? Just talk to me about something? Anything?” Rin requests. He feels like he’s asking too much once more. But to his surprise he can hear Haru chuckle softly.

“You’ve picked the worst guy for that… But I’ll try.”

And so they start talking about anything that comes to their minds. Little somethings, nothing important. They talk about school and their respective teachers. Haru makes Rin laugh by trying to imitate his annoying English teacher and the posh British accent in which she speaks. Rin doesn’t tell Haru that even in his imitation he doesn’t sound British at all but he has a feeling that Haru knows anyway. He can hear the smile in Haru’s voice as they continue talking for nearly half an hour and it almost makes him forget the earlier part of the night. It fills him with a warmth he has no explanation for.

“Do you want to come over tomorrow?” Haru asks suddenly, “Just to hang out… we haven’t done that recently.”

 _We’ve actually never done that_ , Rin’s mind supplies but “Uhm… yeah… why not,” is what he says instead. _Eloquence, thy name is Rin Matsuoka._

“Good,” Haru says and then he adds more quietly: “Do you think you can go back to sleep now?”

Rin nods before he remembers they’re on the phone and Haru cannot see him. “I’ll try to.”

“Good night then. I’ll see you tomorrow. 6PM at my place?”

“Alright, see you then. Good night.”

Wow, that was weird. Rin isn’t sure how Haru did it but he feels infinitely calmer compared to half an hour ago.  Calm but tired. So. Fucking. Tired. His head also hurts from the crying and the hyperventilating. So Rin decides to swallow an aspirin before heading back to bed. He’s quiet in the dorm room. Sousuke is not a light sleeper, thank God, or he’d be awake by now.

Rin falls asleep nearly as soon as his head touches the pillow.

*

Friday evening cannot come sooner for Rin. He sits in his classes and wills the hands of the clock to move faster. He hopes today’s lessons won’t be too relevant in exams or he’ll be fucked because he cannot concentrate.

Rin feels anxious and excited at the same time. Why? He’s just meeting Haru, they won’t be doing anything special… But Rin has done a lot of thinking since the previous night and he’s come to a conclusion that leaves him completely confused and scared because he doesn’t know how Haru thinks about it. In the middle of maths class Rin has had an epiphany that caused him to drop his pencil and nearly fall out of his chair while trying to pick it back up. Sousuke had looked at him strangely in a ‘what the hell has gotten into you’ way but Rin had simply ignored his friend.

After all, Rin doesn’t realize every day that he seems to have an enormous crush on Haru. And if he’s not completely insane there’s at least 50% of a chance that Haru feels the same. Not that you can ever be sure what Haru feels unless he says so explicitly.

The day seems to drag on endlessly but finally it’s time to get the train to Iwatobi and so at 5:58PM, Rin rings the doorbell at Haru’s house. Any other time he would have let himself in through the back door that’s never locked. But Haru is expecting him this time. And therefore he should pay attention to the door. Just that… he doesn’t.

“Damn you, Haruka…” Rin mutters under his breath as he walks around the house. “Haru?” he calls once he enters the house.

Approximately 5 seconds later Haru pokes his head out of the kitchen. “Oh, you’re here already.”

Rin slips off his shoes and walks towards the kitchen where, according to the smell, Haru is cooking dinner. “I rang the doorbell, didn’t you hear?”

“I turned it off a while ago. The sound is annoying,” Haru explains like it’s something everyone does.

“Eh? You’re so weird…” Rin says but he cannot help the fondness that seeps into his voice.

Haru just shrugs and turns back to the stove. “I hope fish and rice is fine, I didn’t have time to go and buy anything else.”

“Sure,” Rin says. He knows that even if Haru had had the time to get groceries, there’s a 95% chance there’d be fish anyway. “Can I help with anything?”

“Not really,” Haru says while he’s busy turning the fish filets from one side to another, “I’m almost done here. But there’s soda in the fridge if you want some.”

So Rin gets himself a can and sits down at the table where Haru has already put down the plates and chopsticks. He just watches Haru quietly while he sips on his drink and waits for the food to be ready. Like Haru said earlier, he was almost done and so 5 minutes later they’re both sitting at the table, munching quietly on their dinner.

“I hope it’s okay. It’s nothing special…” Haru repeats and Rin isn’t sure… but is Haru as nervous as he is?

“I told you it was fine,” Rin replies, “Besides, I didn’t come here for the food.”

Haru raises an eyebrow. “Does that mean I’m a bad cook?”

“You know that’s not what I meant!” Rin rushes to clarify although he’s fairly sure that Haru is teasing him right now, “I just mean… I value your company more than the food.” Rin is blushing, he’s sure he is. Where is the hole in the ground that will swallow him?

Haru doesn’t comment on it, though. Rin can see the hint of a smile on his lips as he silently continues to eat. They finish their food in comfortable silence and afterwards, Haru does the dishes while Rin grabs a towel and dries them.

Rin would laugh about how hilariously domestic it is but he’s too distracted by Haru and trying to find proof for his earlier theories about his own feelings. Haru doesn’t notice that Rin is looking at him every time their eyes meet. Or he notices and decides not to mention it.

When all the plates and pans have been stowed away Rin turns to Haru, wanting to ask him what they’ll do now. However, Haru seems to be a step ahead of him. “Come on,” he says and before Rin can say anything in reply, he feels Haru’s slender fingers close around his wrist and lead him outside onto the porch.

Haru lets go once they’re outside but Rin swears his skin feels like it has been burned. In a good way. If that even makes sense. Haru sits down on the porch, feet dangling over the edge of it, and looks back over his shoulder at Rin who takes the cue and moves to sit down next to him.

Rin can see why Haru took him outside. The porch seems to be facing west where the sun has begun to set. If you squint you can even see a tiny bit of the ocean in the distance.

“It’s…” Rin says but trails off, failing to find the right words for what he wants to describe.

He feels Haru’s shoulder bump against his playfully as Haru suggests: “Romantic?”

Rin chuckles, a bit surprised but nonetheless happy that Haru seems to remember a silly incident from their childhood. “Not what I wanted to say… but yeah, I guess.”

“Thought so.” Haru nods and looks towards the orange and pink  tinged horizon. “Rin, can I ask you something?”

Rin can feel his heartbeat speeding up. The way Haru asks, he gets a feeling this won’t be just any random question. He squirms where he sits but finds himself replying “Yes, sure…” anyway.

Haru tears his gaze away from the setting sun to look at Rin instead. “For how long have you had these nightmares?”

Rin looks down at his hands in his lap. “A while…” His answer is evasive, he’s aware of that and he can’t bring himself to look at Haru, knows he’d look right through the white lie.

“Rin…” Haru says softly. He knows it anyway, with or without eye contact.

“Since I was a child,” Rin admits so quietly that his voice is barely above a whisper. He wills himself to look at Haru now and he can see how Haru’s eyes widen a little in surprise. “But it wasn’t always that bad. There were times when nothing happened for months,” Rin carries on.

“So it’s exceptionally bad now?” Haru asks. There is no pity in his voice, just honest curiosity, and that’s why it feels okay for Rin to continue talking. They’re sitting so close to each other that their legs are touching and every other movement makes their shoulders brush against each other as well.

“It has been worse before… when I was in Australia. It was part of the reason why I came back home last year.”

Rin has never shared this piece of information with anyone before. Not with anyone who didn’t know about it because they were there with him. Even Gou only knows about it to some extent, although his sister has always been the first person to support him when he needed it.

“Tell me what happened.”

Rin notices that Haru doesn’t ask him. It’s a request and usually that is what will make Rin back away and never talk again. He doesn’t like to be pushed. If he feels cornered he will hightail like a frightened animal. But there is no urge to run away now.

“I… I was in a bad place, mentally. I didn’t believe in myself anymore. Back then I was still chasing my father’s dream. It was the most important thing for me. I wanted it too much, you know? I got stuck… and I couldn’t deal with it. I felt like I had failed everyone. I never told anyone I had quit swimming until after I came back. In fact, I only told my mother what happened in Australia last year after I joined the Samezuka swim team. Gou found out herself, you know that. I should’ve known better than to think I could trick her… she was livid that I lied to her” Rin smiles as he thinks of his fierce little sister. Haru just nods and urges him to go on silently.

“But the reason I actually came back… it got so bad that Russell and Lori, my host parents, asked me to see a therapist. I wasn’t happy about it but I agreed in the end. I learned a bit about how my own mind works and that I am more prone to attribute failure to my own mistakes rather than taking all the circumstances into account. He also thought I should go back home because at that point Australia was the place where it all went to shit for me… and what’s happening now… it’s like a shadow of that time. It’s better but those nightmare are just something that’s a part of me, whether I want it or not.”

Rin feels weird, having shared so much of his inner self. All the while, Haru hasn’t interrupted him once, has only nodded a few times. Also, while Rin ha stared off into the distance, Haru has looked at him the whole time. Rin could feel his eyes on himself. He didn’t feel under scrutiny, though. Haru was simply listening so attentively that he couldn’t look away.

“I care about you a lot, I hope you know that,” Haru says and Rin almost gives himself whiplash with how fast he turns his head to look at his friend. Haru doesn’t – or pretends he doesn’t – notice and continues: “I want to be there for you and help you as much as I can. That’s why I needed to know… I wanted to understand.”

Rin can feel the wetness in his eyes. He’s tearing up but he’s past caring now. Hearing what Haru just said, it’s more than he ever expected from him. “Thank you,” he whispers and pulls Haru into a tight hug. It doesn’t even take a second for Haru to shake off the initial surprise and hug Rin back even tighter.

“I know I can’t fix you but I want to help you fix yourself. Is that okay?” Haru asks, his voice muffled against Rin’s shoulder, and he sounds more insecure now than during his little speech earlier.

Rin nods. “That’s so much more than just okay,” he answers and wets Haru’s shirt a little more with his tears.

They sit on the porch until the sun has set completely and the first stars are twinkling in the sky. At some point Rin summons all of his courage and lets his hand casually brush against Haru’s where it’s resting on the porch. He can see how Haru’s lips quirk up in the tiniest smile as he laces their fingers together.

“Wait, what time is it?” Rin suddenly blurts out and digs his phone out of his pocket.

“What, why?” Haru is blinking at him.

“… because I just missed the last train back to Samezuka,” Rin deadpans.

Haru continues staring at him. That and the hilarity of the whole situation makes Rin laugh out loud and Haru chuckles quietly, too.

“So I guess we’re having a sleepover,” Haru says, “Will you get in trouble?”

“Nah…” Rin drawls, “It’s Friday. I’ll just say I went home and forgot to say so. It’s not what I should do but it won’t get me in trouble.”

Haru nods. “So what do you want to do? It’s getting a bit cold out here…”

He’s right. Now that the sky has turned nearly black the air is getting chillier by the minute. “Hmmm… let’s watch a movie?” Rin suggests.

“We can only watch it on the laptop, though. I don’t have a DVD player,” Haru says while gets up and dusts off his pants.

“Fine with me.” Rin shrugs and follows Haru inside.

So that’s how they end up on Haru’s bed, because it’s the most comfortable place in the house, watching a random romcom that Haru got from Nagisa for his last birthday. Rin has the laptop balanced on his lap because he set up the movie after it took Haru ages just to start up the laptop. (“How often have you actually used your computer before?” “Not that often…”)

The movie isn’t too bad. Not amazing, either, but neither of them mind. Rin thinks he couldn’t focus on any complicated and deep storyline after the emotional rollercoaster of today anyway and he’s thankful for the simplicity of the movie. He’s also thankful for Haru being a reassuring pressure at his left side. When Rin was afraid that sharing some of his deepest secrets would drive Haru away, it actually seems to have pushed them closer together. How close, he doesn’t know yet… he just knows he doesn’t want to be anywhere else in this exact moment.

Halfway through the movie Haru actually falls asleep, his head resting on Rin’s shoulder. Rin is sure that if you asked him about the second part of the movie later, he’d know close to nothing about it. Watching Haru sleep peacefully just seems like the better entertainment. He’s almost sorry to wake him up when the end credits roll over the screen but he knows they’d both feel horrible the next day if they slept in their current positions.

“Haru…” Rin says quietly, shaking his friend lightly, “Wake up. You’ll have a crick in your neck if you sleep like that.”

“No…” Haru mumbles, barely awake, “Don’t wanna move.”

Rin cannot suppress a smile, who would’ve thought that sleepy Haru is so adorable? “Come on. I don’t even know where the spare futon is.”

Haru blinks at him sleepily now. “Just sleep here, I’m too lazy to get it.”

“In your bed?” Rin asks, not sure if he understands right. Haru’s bed is small, does he really want him to sleep here?

Haru nods. “You can take a shirt to sleep in from that closet over there,” he says and gets up slowly. “I’ll go and brush my teeth.”

Rin gets up to rummage through the closet. In the end he picks up a shirt that probably was blue at some point but washing it too often has rendered it a blueish grey. He changes into Haru’s shirt and strips off his jeans and socks.

When Haru returns from the bathroom, wearing pyjama pants and a t-shirt, Rin is already in bed and has scooted back against the wall.

“Sorry, I don’t have an extra toothbrush lying around,” Haru says and climbs into bed next to Rin, after he has switched the lights off.

Rin shrugs. “It’s okay.”

“Good night,” Haru says.

“Good night.”

Haru’s bed is really small. Too small for two people to sleep in comfortably. It takes a while until they’ve both found a position in which they’re not kicking or elbowing the other one. Despite that, it’s less awkward than it could be.  Rin even finds that it’s comforting having someone – having Haru? – sleep so close to him. He can tell that Haru fell asleep within minutes. Rin closes his eyes and is finally lulled to sleep by the sounds of the cicadas in front of the window and Haru quietly breathing behind him.

*

It’s early morning when Rin wakes up. It cannot be later than 6AM at most, judging by how quiet the world outside still is. The only sounds coming in through the window are a few chirping birds.

Once he’s fully awake, Rin notices two things. One, he’s feeling rather warm right now. And two, the source of said warmth  is not the sunlight filtering into the room. No, the source of warmth that traps Rin effectively right where he is, is Haru. Haru, who’s so close to him that you’d have trouble fitting a sheet of paper in between their bodies.

It’s not that Rin dislikes that Haru is glued to his backside. Yes, he would definitely jump right out of bed if he weren’t effectively trapped between Haru and the wall. But that’s not because he doesn’t want to be near Haru. In fact, he feels such giddiness that his heart is threatening to jump right out of his chest. That or he might just faint due to hyperventilation. Because Rin is definitely freaking out. Internally. He doesn’t want to wake Haru.

What confuses Rin is that he doesn’t know how they ended up like this over the course of the night. Did he scoot back and Haru just pulled him closer automatically, like how you would cuddle a pillow that’s in your bed? Is Haru just a cuddly person when you sleep in the same bed with him?

Rin is well on the way to breaking his brain before the day has truly started when his mind in overdrive is shut down by Haru’s voice.

“Go back to sleep, it’s too early. I can almost _hear_ you think,” he says sleepily and Rin can feel his breath tickle his neck as he talks.

“Uhm…” is all Rin manages to reply. Is Haru going to pretend they’re not a tangled knot of limbs? He can hear (and feel) Haru sigh behind him.

“You want to overanalyse this, right? Turn around and look at me, Rin.”

Haru pulls back his arm and scoots back a tiny bit. Rin feels both deprived and relieved as Haru’s arm around his waist vanishes. He turns around, lying on his other side to face Haru. He’s not looking at him, though. He feels it’s safer to look at a random spot above Haru’s right shoulder.

“I wouldn’t have done it if I knew you’d get like this. Now you can’t even look at me anymore?” Haru sounds frustrated. Rin feels sorry for nearly freaking out and wait, did Haru just say he did it on purpose?

“You wouldn’t… what? Why?” Rin’s eyes snap to Haru’s now. But where Rin is radiating confusion and uneasiness, Haru is completely calm.

“You started fidgeting in your sleep. I woke up when you kept tossing and turning because I nearly fell off the bed. I didn’t want you to have another nightmare… I wanted you to calm down. So I did the only thing I could think of,” Haru explains and is Rin just imagining it or is Haru blushing?

“So you spooned me?”

“I… well, yeah.” Haru shrugs and yes, he’s definitely blushing now. “I shouldn’t have, probably.”

Rin’s eyes widen and he hastily shakes his head. “No, that’s not… that’s not what I meant!”

“So you don’t think it’s weird?” Haru asks sceptically.

“No… well, yeah, maybe it’s weird. But I don’t mind. I appreciate your weirdness. Especially when it comes to the things you do for me.” _I appreciate your weirdness?_ _Seriously?_ Rin isn’t sure why his ability to talk in sentences that actually make sense seems to disappear when it comes to Haru.

But Haru is surprisingly versed in interpreting Rin’s sentences that don’t make sense, it would appear. He chuckles quietly in reply, before asking: “So we’re all good?”

“We’re all good.” Rin nods, smiling at his friend.

*

That night was just the beginning. In the following months, Haru continues to be the one who Rin is sure will always have his back. They develop a routine where Rin will come to Haru when he’s feeling bad and Haru will listen and support Rin quietly as good as he can.

They grow closer. Both emotionally and also physically. It’s such a slow and gradual process that Rin cannot remember the moment when he was absolutely sure that his feelings for Haru weren’t one-sided. They were always touching so casually that he doesn’t know when there was suddenly more behind it. Tight hugs and lacing their fingers together in quiet moments became a thing when he was still sure it was just Haru’s way to indulge him.

Rin often sleeps at Haru’s house on the weekends now. More often than not, they sleep together in Haru’s bed. They’re a tangle of limbs but Rin knows they both wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s the morning after one of those nights when they kiss for the first time. It’s not as mind-shattering as Rin expected it would be. It’s just a sweet press of lips against lips that makes Rin smile the most stupid grin. It’s that and then there’s some more kissing, lazily getting to know each other in a whole new way.

Rin’s nightmares have become less frequent now. And while Haru himself has been a huge help, he has also convinced Rin to see a therapist. Rin has learnt a few ways to deal with his problems. When Haru tells him how proud he is of Rin, for facing his fears, Rin blushes nearly as deep as his hair colour and he tells Haru to shut up.

It’s several months later still that Haru admits that he was never awake during the night when Rin texted him, except for the first time it happened. After that, he set the ringtone to an especially loud one for Rin’s caller ID and always kept his phone right next to his bed so he’d be sure to wake up if Rin texted or called. Rin hugs Haru as tightly as he can and tells him what an idiot he is.

*

 _I wanna sleep next to you_  
_But that's all I wanna do right now_  
 _And I wanna come home to you_  
 _But home is just a room full of my safest sounds_  
 _Cause you know that I can't trust myself with my 3AM shadow_  
 _I'd rather fuel a fantasy than deal with this alone_  
 _I wanna sleep next to you_  
 _But that's all I wanna do right now_  
 _So come over now and talk me down_

Troye Sivan – TALK ME DOWN

 


End file.
